...::The going gets tough::...

Since standard 6, I've realized that the time doesn't wait for me... If I don't catch up, its the end.. Though I've been in the first class since standard three, but my results are no good.. My ambition was to be a doctor.... BUt i kept getting C in science and mathematics... I loved watching televisions and stuff... I never studied.. Only till IT happened. I realized that I have to do my best in getting what I want. I can't only count on my mother and brother... I have to get good results and get a scholarship to study abroad to succeed in my carrier... Compared to others, I mature faster, I don't know why, just maybe because of the way I grow up. I act as though I'm a kid, but inside, I know what I want and What I must do to achieve it. Getting good grades in UPSR was the first step but there is a long way to go...


I started off  a how do i put it, erm... a b**** i guess... I'm bossy, loud... I don't know.. whatever people think... I don't care... I don't even care if I have no friends.. Because a friend should understand what I'm going through but they don't.. I've met so many different kind of people in form 1.... I had so many different things to learn..... and to achieve so that my future would be brighter.... I only got my kai jie... others.. are just pawn in my game...

I joined different clubs.. I enjoyed myself most in St John's Ambulance...  I thought and told myself that if I join this, then it is a stepping stone to my success... But I have to go through a lot of hardships before I become who I am today...  Being a prefect is what I regret doing but it was also the only reason I got to be who I am today.. I have to be this bossy little thing that everyone hates so that I can achieve my golds because I'm a chinese and also not to mention a girl...People think, being me is easy, just have to be shining and different... My mother thinks being me is easy cause i don't have to house chores and she does everything. Fetching me up and down is hard... But what  people don't think  is how I feel... How I am inside.... I too am growing.. I too am suffering... I have to sacrifice my life... I look like I'm having fun.. But seriously I'm not... I have to be a person I don't want to be... A person whom so many people hate... SO many people misunderstand even till now... Its like what william shakespeare wrote in his poem

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Life's but a walking shadow... A poor player...

Not everyone live a simple  life... Everyone has their own decisions and life.. the way they lead their lives are different...Why can't people understand.. Why do we have to tell it out so that they understand... People don't understand..
But at the end of form 2, I met friends who understand what I'm going, people who are more matured adn elder than me who actually understands life... I don't have to act anymore.. I can be myself for once.. I was so happy that 5 days though it was tough living in a flooded tent for my first camping... I had so much fun with Angeline and Soon huat that week, Until now, we're still in touch and best friends forever.

I learned so much from then. Trying to achieve higher... I scored well in PMR but I learned more things in form 3 than i could ever learn about people's personality.. And who are my  friends and who are my enemies.. People I can and cannot trust...

But I what I didn't realize is that all along I have trusted and great friends all over me.. Its just that I didn't realize... My classmates who Have always been with me... My dear sweet friends who were always there... People who understand as much as time passes... Now I can count on so many people.... adn I can stop acting... But there are still times that i can't act too matured yet with them.. They might not get it...But being myself... I don't have to hide my feelings anymore.. My emotions... I don't have to keep it to myself.. and make myself go crazy...

Yet.. I manage to learn a few more things lately... Something very painful about human being and their behaviour... They  seem nice but.. They are just as evil inside... I guess its the way of life....  There are ups and downs in life... so as to feelings and friendship....
SPM is right around the corner.. I have to work hard... Jia you.. Gambateh... I can do it.. I must do it...
I want the scholarship to england.. I want 10A+... I want Cambridge.. I want to be a surgeon... I want to be successful.... Nothing will stop the fire in me... NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is too short to mourn for what is lost but there is time to think of the future and to fix what was wrong.... 


I want to  my friends who supported me all the way... me mom and bro who guided me through... and my kai jie, sue fei, kai gor, kenneth, and bryan.. who actually understand me and help me through my hard times... I really am glad to have people like you by my side... And I'll prove it you guys and I'll never let you guys down.....My dear sweet peers who help me through... Sin Nee, Sheau Huei,Bee Teng,Pennie,Jer Ying,Chui Peng, Chit Fei, Cheng Hong,Wei Lek,Han Xing,Hon Nam... You guys really people who, I can count on...

Its time to pull back...

Before I get into trouble again.. I better pull out soon... I don't want it to be too late....
Although I'll try faking it from now on.. But I just can't lie to myself... The Truth of it just hurts so much.. I know It will never come true.. But.... I'm putting so much hope that something  will happen... But as time passes day by day.. The chances get slimmer..
And the true form of the disguise is being revealed every single moment... The shedding skin of the wolf... The real form of its true self... Unbelievable but true....
Its the moment of truth... But do I dare to take up this challenge...??? To face my fears??? I don' think so... I'm too much of a coward to do so.... I can only do this when I'm dreaming...
Reality hurts too much sometimes.... Sometimes I wish I will never get up from the sweet dreams I have... But dreams will never last, much less to say to come true... Nightmares last... nightmares come true... WHY??? Why is it so unfair???? Its too much....
People complain of the unbalanced nature and stuff cause they have too much $$ and time.. But have they ever complained about unbalanced forces that make some people miserable?? NO!! NEVERR!!! cause they are too busy thinking bout themselves... Its crap and shit...
I never hope for this day to come.. But it did come that i have to realise the cruelty of the real world.. Leaving fantasy land is the first step.... There is much to see and confront.... Times takes you to places... Places gives you experiences.. and Experiences gives you Courage.. But hope and trust can only be gained once..and so little at a time...  Once its gone... Its takes a long while to be healed and regained.. The broken promises... The lies... it will be remembered.. covering the happy stories that we have been through... FRIENDSHIP, LOVE... all gone within a second when the ugly truth is revealed...

is it a prank?? or a practical joke?

Is it really like that??? Does it have to be this way??
Is lying so much fun??? Am I so vulnerable and so nice to toy with???
Is taking strings and pulling people,playing with them that fun???
What is the point of all these??? Is it just the way you people have fun with us??
IS that how you show us how manly and how great you are?? Well let me say this,,,,,
ITS NOT cool and its not nice..
People's feelings are hurt each time.. To heal... Much time is needed.. But everytime it heals... another wound is cast and it never stops bleeding..
And with each stabbing.... the wounds get deeper and deeper.. eventually... It will leave a scar no matter how much it is healed in the end...
Is it a prank or is it just another practical joke... How can a person be so nice... But later give me the cold shoulders within minutes...


BITCHES.,... There are all some people who are total creeps.. jerks... full of crap.... Thick faced ass hole... Your not as good you think you are..please don't act as though your such a rich and smart kid... Your just a fat low life which only exists in OUR class because you were lucky... just watch it... Do  not think hiding will be a solution... Dark forces will never prevail... If you do not stop crapping and  talking crap... Don't blame me for not being nice... Another who call herself a friend is the traitor... Your not only a bitch... but also a double headed snake who craps more than the bitch.. You only bark when The Bitch is there.... As thought your some kind of a puppet or maybe its just you..  Pretending is all you know how to do... Thats the way you play your game.. Don't think I don't know that... I can see through your schemes crystal clearly...  Do not think hiding under the skin of a sheep, your disguise will not be revealed... I do not show it but I know it... People think your nice.. but instead.. Ur just waiting for the arrival of time before you show your true colours....I know you like the back of my nose... Watch it!! I don't care of not being friends with you... Besides being friends with puppet of a bitch is a total disaster and its wreckking my own image... And BITCH... when people don't talk to you... Use your brains and get LOST!! WE  HATE U!!! FUCK OFF!!! Stop invading our lives.. Ur just and INSECT not worthy to be our friend.. We only reply you as it is manners... If not.. Your just another piece of junk dumped at the side.... Lost of all its value cause from the start, you never should be priced as your nothing but a piece of crap....

The truth hurts.........(T_T)

It started as a mere coincidence........ I didn't know you..... I only know you as a classmate........... but then your not in my class anymore... so i did not care...... Then we went out together as friends.... we're of the same gang... So its normal to be friends.... To mix around... You were the one I call quiet and innocent type of person thats why I trusted you... I help you and you help me.... Fine... We watch movie together... We have fun together.... We go for trips together... We chat... WE get along....

WHY??? Why must the truth be revealed so soon??? It hasn't been long that I got to know you.... Backstabbing jerk..... Its not like I've done anything wrong.... Did I do anything that cause this or its just you?? Is it your way of telling me I'm like this or am I just too sensitive??? Am I that irritating?? Or is it just cause I care too much???

I pretend not to realize the truth... I pretend to not care..... But I just can't ignore my own feelings.... Its not like my heart is made of stone but its becoming stone... Whenever I really give all my feelings to a friend or whoever I trust.. I thought I can really get it back in return.... But its not  likely to happen everytime....  Evertime I trust someone, it ends up either badly or the secret ends being revealed... Is it true by the phrase "TRUST NO ONE!" As the truth keeps getting revealed.. I learn that your not as innocent nor are you quiet... I guess do not judge a book by its cover should be used.... 

The truth hurts.. but its something that should be endures from now on.. But I can't get over it yet.. for now....
But deep down inside I know there are still a few people I could trust.. Just... that I really don't want to trust anyone.. I don't want to get hurt again and again.. History keeps repeating it self over and over again.... 

' 我不在乎了....... 我不想再理这件事了......我恨不得忘记所有东西..........'
 Its easy to say i don't care.... but it is hard to let go.... Its easy to pretend not to know but its hard to hide the secret....... Its easy to let the anger out but its hard keep the sadness out... 
Everything can be said so easily... But the truth is... Its not easy... There is no easy way out of anything.... 

A Day Trip..... ^^

A day trip to malacca on 7/8/2010 with my beloved friends... The journey there... We missed out some fun..... We had to be separated... My dear nee and bee had to be in the other bus........ But still The journey wasn't a long one that a person could have so much back ache.... but yet have slight pains here and there.... 

A happy trip i could say although there were ups and downs as usual.... One could not ask for more i guess.... Just a regret...  that we could have gone to ebtter places.... other than wasting time at the war time muziums... we could have visited the peranakan muzium where we could learn more about the baba nyonya culture.. Not to mention i would love to enjoy a nice peranakan meal... lolx...... 

These photos are all taken  at the Butterfly park and near the stadhuys building, malacca river, muziums, bukit A famosa and the bus...      

               

            

  

  

  

  

  

Memories that lasts forever.... Happy memories....... It makes me happy to see smiling faces or my dear friends and enjoy my day with my dear friends... 

I  enjoy looking at sceneries with my sweet nee,bee,fei,peng ,huei,pennie,hong,lek.nam, ken, c.lee and so on... its a wonderful memory.. Though it was only a day trip but its a memory that alsts forever without a doubt...I Hope we can do this again soon........