Another drop of water..

I may just be another drop of water in the sea or a tree in the forest, but I do have feelings too. I don't usually express my feelings in front of most people. Although I do blog or maybe post something on facebook stating that I'm furious but deep inside I'm just another weak girl who cries a lot. NObody actually seen me crying much.  The reason behing all these toughness is the life that I had to live through. Many people in this world suffer more than I do, I know but I too suffer mental problems despite looking healthy. I not only a shell you know. I'm brought up from a kid as a spoil little girl. My daddy and mummy and brother loves me so much and gets me everything I want until that day! That day when My daddy fell ill and my world change drastically. I'm no longer the center if attention. We no longer have a source of income. Daddy was no longer healthy. He can't tall, he can't walk and he can't even lead a normal life anymore. Mommy had to take care of him day and night with my brother. I was only 7 or 8. I can't do anything.
Later when I started to grow up, I didn't have the experience everyone had and or even the experience my brother had going holidays around the world with mummy and daddy. Though mummy tried her best giving me what I want but financial income is always the problem. I just thank God that we have all the financial support given to us enough to give us a warm home and an average life..  Later in life, I lost my beloved daddy but at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore.. But since young I realized life ain't as easy as it looks. And I made a promise to be a doctor. A good one. helping people in need and poor. It is also due to the fact my daddy died due to sickness like high blood pressure and diabetes and atherosclerosis which caused stroke and so on which led to his bed ridden experience and incapable to live life on his own. But at least I spend a lot of time with him. When I woke up that morning knowing that he passed away. I bang my head on the wall literally to just wake up from the dream. I kept telling myself it was a dream and it only happens on the television. But it wasn't. I was real and I had to accept the fact that he'll be gone forever. Miracles do happen when I actually got straight A's during UPSR despite being week in maths and science.
After that I was even more determined than ever to be the best student and to be able to obtain scholarships to study abroad. I had visions of studying abroad. I struggled through the first year. Using everything at my disposal even friendships and relationships. I regret hurting my someone I hold dear and loved. I'm sorry. But it is to hold my stand or else I wont be in that school anymore and everything might change. I was selfish. I was bossy. everyone hated me because I was arrogant. I grew and grew getting to know my faults and places I went wrong. trying to fix what wasn't right but all the damage is done. Fixing it is possible but long and hard. I tried to mend things and improve myself. At last I had good friends. I had enemies. I still do. But I know who are real and who are fakes.
You can say that it is a gift or just whacky thoughts, but to me I'm super sensitive. I know who is faking and who is real. I can differentiate a persons real personality and faking rubbish personality. Sometimes I ignore sometimes it gets on my nerves. It's possible to see and it's possible for me to actually determine what that person will do next. You can say I'm a strategist or you can say I'm a pessimistic. Either one. But one thing is true that I always think ahead. Despite being the best student in whole form 5 and the best in ko-kurikulum. I wasnt able to land myself a scholarship abroad. Maybe God's will is for me to study in Malaysia,. I don't mind. as long as I can study. But now, even my dream to be a doctor is one the edge. My results aren't good enough ad I'm going to waste half a years time and extra money to sit for another semester and exam.
Eventhough I do everything and give it my all to please my mom, I'm not the person I used to be. I was quiet and I obey everything you say but now I'm close to 20 and I have my own thinking. WHy do you keep nagging and scolding me for things you want me to do but I don't want to do? I'm not a child anymore I can make my own wise decision. And you being angry because too many cousins are thrashing the house then don't invite them! or scold them? why the hell you want to release your anger on me? I scold them You scold me. I do nothing you scold me? So what do you want me to do hang myself and die? I had enough of stress. I have enough of worries. I have enough of burden. Why do you keep pushing me to the edge.? When you are angry you get to scold me and bang doors. When I'm am angry I don't get to put my anger else where? If this keep going I might just blow up one day and suicide is not the only thing at mind. Sometimes I really had so much thing going on in my head that I have the feeling of death. But then I realized that It's stupid and unapproved by God. But I dont know when I can last till. My limits are reached long ago. But I'm still trying to strive on...
Sometimes when the going gets tough, I try seeking friends or someone who could actually listen to me and just let me scream it all out. I just want someone who actually lends me a shoulder to cry on when I'm out of my mind. Is that so hard? Or just someone who can spend a day out so that I don't spend a day at home thinking and going crazy. Is that so hard? Do you have to ignore me and just say your busy all the time or too tired? I'm sorry I'm being selfish but I really need someone to talk to. >< Even when I found someone I really can click to and could talk to or even someone I actually  have feelings for, it doesn't last long until that person starts to have their own life and I'm sort of the past. I just don't know what to do and so lost sometimes I seek God. God tells me to be patient and be strong. But my heart is already in pieces. I know God you have the best plan for me but I'm in pieces. people walked in and walked out of my life as though I'm some kind of door mat but I living breathing human with heart beating every second. I cry. I laugh.
But all in all, I just can't be the one person I used to be before. I'm outgoing and smile and i'm very feisty now. But I used to be quiet and sweet. I can still be but it is not as long I stand alone to fight this life and this challenges. I hope you understand that I may have a different personality when I talk to you one on one and when I talk to you in public because I'm still alone until the day I feel protected and safe.  this is my story and I hope it will have a happy ending.

College Life of 1103Beta coming to an end.

It's funny that I'm missing college life more than I miss secondary school life.. Everyone has been busy preparing for exams and scholarship and degree programs.. I'm busy missing the time I can spend with them and thinking what would it be like without them in college? But I also realized I cannot be who I am anymore. Now that my results from my january results were so bad, I have to actually take another semester to improve my grades in order to be accepted in university for the degree program I've always wanted. But for all that is worth, I really appreciate how God put me into Methodist College, and how He brought me closer to him by getting to know him from Youth Alpha camp. I just want to thank him so much that even though my results are so bad, yet God helped me to arrange my extra semester. Helped me through the times I cried so much because of disappointment and the financial problems for the next semester. All is arranged now and I'm going to sit this exams through and do well in God's guidance. and I'll do  my best next semester to glorify You..^^ But before this here is what happened the past few months of not writing blog.. ^^

Easter Rally was a success despite all the problems and short of time and practice. Again I must thank God for being there and helping us. Guiding us throughout the whole event. We managed to finish all decorations and preparations, practice for our Skid, choir, and worship session. Thank you God. Easter Rally is just an event that we celebrate the Resurrection Of Jesus Christ the Son of God who was sent to Earth to be the Lamb(sacrifice) to save us from sin and to give us eternal life with God after physical death. The event was a success as there were more than 400 people present during the event. ^^ woots~ Praise God.. ^^ After the pastor's sharing and alter call, many raise up there hands and surrendered their lives and accepted Christ. It was a happy day. Thanks to Chee Meng and his refreshments team, we were able to have delicious bread with egg and sausage.. ^^ And thanks to the generosity of Chee meng's dad, we were able to have durian,cempedak,manggo and jambu flavoured ice cream for free. Isn't that awesome. ^^Everyone enjoyed themselves so much and to see so many of my classmate who are non-christian come for this event just to support us. ^^ Eventhough I didn't take many pictures this time round because I was busy with choir and decoration and other stuff. But I was able to serve God. I'm happy to see all the smiling faces. ^^

Despite all the troubles we had been through together during the whole college year, especially because we're the March intake. We start in March so we have 3 months less than the January intake and the college expect us to  score well if not better than the January intake. Not only that, we cramp 16 papers exam into one exam which supposedly divided into two exams. Though some of us flared so well that they got unconditional offer letter to highly recognized university but some of us didn't do so well. We did not look down nor did we ignore better or worst student, but we helped each other out so much and encourage each other. I know I can be a little too overwhelming sometimes as I am very particular about some stuff, but sue yin and tzi qing and zhi kai you have always been there for me,  and helping me with stuff I do not know..And also kenny who has been tutoring me for the past month or two despite being busy. It's all good in God's hands. ^^

Eventhough our semester is coming to and end, Our college didn't let it just end like that but they actually arranged a pre-graduation  party sort of... Called the Suit Up Day. which we all wear formal wear and go to college.. after college we have his awesome picture taking sessions together as a whole cohort(1103). After which we all have a big meal before going home. ^^ The college prepared 50 boxes or Large pizzas for 250 or less students.. Not only there is pizza, there were nuggets, and other stuff.. so full after having 4 pieces of pizzas.. OOppss.. so pig-ish of me.. lol.. But I had fun taking pictures because it's part of memory and it is how we say 'stop time' and the memory will always be in those pictures forever...

 

Now that suit up day is over, we have our own class photo shoot on the last day of college. ^^ S1103beta's last day, so we took pictures will all 4 our lecturers. But I didn't take it with my physics lecturer though. Sad. Cos I dropped physics. But it is always a memory to me that I can never forget how Mr Tee actually were sad that we had bad grades and he blamed himself for it. It was the first time I see a lecturer or teacher cry for me because I did badly. This is how MCKL warmth and how our lecturer-student relationship is. We to dun blame each other but ourselves, and we think where we didn't do right. I cried that time and I cry now thinking of it. I would never forgive myself for doing badly. Thank you to all my lecturers for you have been the greatest lecturers of all and you all have tried your best teaching me. Being a wretch, I didn't always listen eventhough I'm in class when you all gave your all teaching me. I regret that and I'm sorry. But I will work hard and do my best so you won't feel that way again.. Memories of you all will always be in my heart lecturers and friends.. ^^. Thank God for putting me there and knowing all of you..

Ms Ng(chemistry lecturer) and us

Ms Chia (maths lecturer) and 1103beta

Ms Charmaine (biology lecturer) and us

After that day we all went our own ways. Some remained in college. Studying together in the library. Some stayed at home being book worms. Other are well, being party animals and night sweepers around town. I've been studying and I sat for the first three papers. Biology 6 and Statistics paper. But I was really scared when I had to sit for Chemistry 6 because all these while I'm not sure about most reactions. But because I was studying and memorising like a mad cow, I thought I could actually master that fear, yet I was still so afraid. The God spoke to me. I just took out my phone for no reason and just when to look at some notes.

"Be strong of good courage, Do not be afraid nor be dismayed, For the Lord you God is always with you." Joshua 1:9

I felt a sign of piece and calmness in me. I was able to think straight and manage to go through the exams without panicking. ^^ Praise the Lord. ^^ Now onwards, I will continue to study and pray for guidance and memory. For the Lord is always working beside me, and helping me throughout my life. ^^ I know that and I rejoice in that. ^^ I'm happy for what I have become because You have changed me... I could let go of the past and move forward. Thank you... ^^

March Orientation Camp 2011 memories.. ^^

Can't believe seeing thsi on youtube.. eventhough the camp was almost a year ago.. I just saw this 5 minutes ago.. Brings back memories and laughter. Thank God for letting me come across this at my down moment where I think I had lost something very important to me... But it is the memories that counts... It is God's presence and God that counts... Whether or not the person I care for cares bout me or not or whether he replies my messages or not does not matter because God will always be with me and always love me... and care for and protect me.. ^^ thank you God..