Another drop of water..

I may just be another drop of water in the sea or a tree in the forest, but I do have feelings too. I don't usually express my feelings in front of most people. Although I do blog or maybe post something on facebook stating that I'm furious but deep inside I'm just another weak girl who cries a lot. NObody actually seen me crying much.  The reason behing all these toughness is the life that I had to live through. Many people in this world suffer more than I do, I know but I too suffer mental problems despite looking healthy. I not only a shell you know. I'm brought up from a kid as a spoil little girl. My daddy and mummy and brother loves me so much and gets me everything I want until that day! That day when My daddy fell ill and my world change drastically. I'm no longer the center if attention. We no longer have a source of income. Daddy was no longer healthy. He can't tall, he can't walk and he can't even lead a normal life anymore. Mommy had to take care of him day and night with my brother. I was only 7 or 8. I can't do anything.
Later when I started to grow up, I didn't have the experience everyone had and or even the experience my brother had going holidays around the world with mummy and daddy. Though mummy tried her best giving me what I want but financial income is always the problem. I just thank God that we have all the financial support given to us enough to give us a warm home and an average life..  Later in life, I lost my beloved daddy but at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore.. But since young I realized life ain't as easy as it looks. And I made a promise to be a doctor. A good one. helping people in need and poor. It is also due to the fact my daddy died due to sickness like high blood pressure and diabetes and atherosclerosis which caused stroke and so on which led to his bed ridden experience and incapable to live life on his own. But at least I spend a lot of time with him. When I woke up that morning knowing that he passed away. I bang my head on the wall literally to just wake up from the dream. I kept telling myself it was a dream and it only happens on the television. But it wasn't. I was real and I had to accept the fact that he'll be gone forever. Miracles do happen when I actually got straight A's during UPSR despite being week in maths and science.
After that I was even more determined than ever to be the best student and to be able to obtain scholarships to study abroad. I had visions of studying abroad. I struggled through the first year. Using everything at my disposal even friendships and relationships. I regret hurting my someone I hold dear and loved. I'm sorry. But it is to hold my stand or else I wont be in that school anymore and everything might change. I was selfish. I was bossy. everyone hated me because I was arrogant. I grew and grew getting to know my faults and places I went wrong. trying to fix what wasn't right but all the damage is done. Fixing it is possible but long and hard. I tried to mend things and improve myself. At last I had good friends. I had enemies. I still do. But I know who are real and who are fakes.
You can say that it is a gift or just whacky thoughts, but to me I'm super sensitive. I know who is faking and who is real. I can differentiate a persons real personality and faking rubbish personality. Sometimes I ignore sometimes it gets on my nerves. It's possible to see and it's possible for me to actually determine what that person will do next. You can say I'm a strategist or you can say I'm a pessimistic. Either one. But one thing is true that I always think ahead. Despite being the best student in whole form 5 and the best in ko-kurikulum. I wasnt able to land myself a scholarship abroad. Maybe God's will is for me to study in Malaysia,. I don't mind. as long as I can study. But now, even my dream to be a doctor is one the edge. My results aren't good enough ad I'm going to waste half a years time and extra money to sit for another semester and exam.
Eventhough I do everything and give it my all to please my mom, I'm not the person I used to be. I was quiet and I obey everything you say but now I'm close to 20 and I have my own thinking. WHy do you keep nagging and scolding me for things you want me to do but I don't want to do? I'm not a child anymore I can make my own wise decision. And you being angry because too many cousins are thrashing the house then don't invite them! or scold them? why the hell you want to release your anger on me? I scold them You scold me. I do nothing you scold me? So what do you want me to do hang myself and die? I had enough of stress. I have enough of worries. I have enough of burden. Why do you keep pushing me to the edge.? When you are angry you get to scold me and bang doors. When I'm am angry I don't get to put my anger else where? If this keep going I might just blow up one day and suicide is not the only thing at mind. Sometimes I really had so much thing going on in my head that I have the feeling of death. But then I realized that It's stupid and unapproved by God. But I dont know when I can last till. My limits are reached long ago. But I'm still trying to strive on...
Sometimes when the going gets tough, I try seeking friends or someone who could actually listen to me and just let me scream it all out. I just want someone who actually lends me a shoulder to cry on when I'm out of my mind. Is that so hard? Or just someone who can spend a day out so that I don't spend a day at home thinking and going crazy. Is that so hard? Do you have to ignore me and just say your busy all the time or too tired? I'm sorry I'm being selfish but I really need someone to talk to. >< Even when I found someone I really can click to and could talk to or even someone I actually  have feelings for, it doesn't last long until that person starts to have their own life and I'm sort of the past. I just don't know what to do and so lost sometimes I seek God. God tells me to be patient and be strong. But my heart is already in pieces. I know God you have the best plan for me but I'm in pieces. people walked in and walked out of my life as though I'm some kind of door mat but I living breathing human with heart beating every second. I cry. I laugh.
But all in all, I just can't be the one person I used to be before. I'm outgoing and smile and i'm very feisty now. But I used to be quiet and sweet. I can still be but it is not as long I stand alone to fight this life and this challenges. I hope you understand that I may have a different personality when I talk to you one on one and when I talk to you in public because I'm still alone until the day I feel protected and safe.  this is my story and I hope it will have a happy ending.