There are many ways of obtaining something. But the best way is to pray and wait for God's answer.. I've been thinking about what I wrote the last time and been thinking about this friend thing. I mentioned that I don't care, but I guess I still do. Although my care for them has decreased a whole lot, they are still my friends. But now from onwards, They are friends but not best friends and it's not my problem to care so much anymore because I have put too much effort and love to them but they could not see. So I couldn't be bothered much anymore. Now, I only treasure those who really care and really the value of friendship.
Give me a reason to love and trust again! I honestly did try and I really did my best. But it has always become the biggest disappointment in my life. Because it's something I lack in which is having really true friends. Maybe it's because of my lack of consideration or maybe it's just my attitude which drives them away from me. DId I change? or did they? Time flies and some said I tried to change but failed or pass I don't know. Some say I'm just like I used to be. But one thing is for sure that I am not the me I used to be.
I have anger management problem and I always want everything to go my way! Or to put it that way, I want to know what is going on before I decide whether to participate or to help out in it and not just blindly follow the flow because I am born a leader and never just plain follow. That is me! I'm no Superwoman nor am I Ironwoman. I just like to lead because it's in me and when I let go and let somebody do it, I would just like to know some details of it. Is that wrong? Or am I wrong and confused? Being a woman and a leader somehow pushes people away and pushes guys away, is that why I am still single or I just fall for the wrong people? It's a question I do not know the answer to and it has been bugging me a lot lately.
I know someone will tell me they will love you for you but to what extent? Someone always say that if the person love you for your appearance then that person doesn't love you. But if my appearance make people reject me how are they going to get to know the true me? And for some the true me isn't as acceptable. I am willing to work on a relationship and I am willing to work on a friendship, but will there be this opportunity for me tale again? I made people who were dearest to me slip away twice because of my attitude back when I was in high school. Then I college, I slipped away because I didn't dare to voice out my opinion for it is no return if I have said anything.
Throughout my entire 20 years, I've spent 5 years or more lecturing people to do this and the way to put things, but have I really put in effort to do what I say? Have I been a hypocrite? I pray for understanding or someone to actually confront me with all the answer. But I don't really expect someone to come forth. Or actually expect to understand. Because no one has the same experience. Every experience may have similar characteristics but all experience are different in every way to the greatest detail. So no one actually knows how the person really feels or how is it like to be that person unless you are in that person's shoes.
So from now on, every opportunity that God gives me, I take it on and I will go head to head with the challenges set for me with God's grace and help. Opportunity only comes once and I'm never letting it pass me without a fight!
