A Teaching Experience

It's my first and last time officially teaching so many people. And it's an experience you don't get very often. Maybe to some people who have taught tuition in big groups feel that it is nothing but a job, but to me, it's an experience. Although I wasn't really happy working there due to some issues, I am really happy I got a bunch of students who appreciates me, a bunch of teachers who still loves me and a group of new friends whom I shall remember forever.
   I learnt that not everything is based on the surface where everything is still and has no blemish. In contrast, when teaching, you have ensure that ALL students understand what you teach and be able to produce results after you teach them. Not the other way round, entering, teaching, bell ring, get out, exams, screw them! It's all about patience, understanding and more PATIENCE!
  Basically, people tend to come to you over nothing to just talk to you and there was a creepy stalker student who stalked one of my colleague(another guru ganti). I can always see him going to her table to see if she is there but she is to  nice to push him away. hahaha. but it's creepy. Although, I'm not user friendly~ LOL so usually they don't tend to do that but only my St, John kids are close to me and my 17 students from 3 Adil class because I'm their class teacher. Other than that, not many will be that close to me with exception also to 5 Alfa which I taught them Biology but also because I'm not a teacher but a senior to them. I've seen them since they were form 1 and suddenly I came back as a teacher which made them very surprised and shocked but they never called me teacher but they call me Miss Pauline.. haha... Some of them who were really close to me when I was in school just calls me by name when there is no one. It's like knowing this person for ages then suddenly I have to change calling this person something else~ very weird..
    I've been through a lot these past 3 months~ And then came Teacher's Day  right before my last day. You can say it's a boring day but also a day full of excitement which doesn't excites me.. haha. I've been through this for 5 years but this year is exceptionally different because this time teachers have to perform instead of the students which I thought was really nonsense. With that said, I had t perform twice~ once poem with singing and then singing~ luckily it was in groups so they din't have to laugh at my funny voice.. hahaha... Then I expected none of my students to give me anything because I was only there for a short while and most of them are not the present type of people and eventually proven right.. haha.. But some students who are not exactly my students gave me Teacher's Day present.. haha. Some form 1 St John kids whom I thought first aid came to me and gave me sweets, cards, pictures frames. candles and etc... And I was shocked and it made my day~ hahaa... i didn't know I made such and impact in their life that they'll remember me.. Then a few teachers gave me teacher's day present... So paiseh, I didn't give them anything in return...
    Came my last two days and everyone hugging here and hugging there. Here belanja there belanja makan, making me even fatter.. aduiii.. But it was a good intention la... Teacher's belanaj makan... My 3 Adil Students had a surprise party but ask me to go thr with a lame excuse and you know me, I don't get surprised easily. plus I don't cry. I don't know why all my students tried to make me cry. But I just couldn't.. sorry mates.. haha...  And the last day came, 3 Bakti girls were sweet too. they gave me a new phone cover which I'm not a fan of but it was thoughtful of them so I just took it so they won't be sad...
   Yes I sort of did miss it but also relieved I finished my job.. Met amazing kids of this generation..*making myself sound old* lol. And had a good experience there. But it is my first and my last!!!

Opportunity

There are many ways of obtaining something. But the best way is to pray and wait for God's answer.. I've been thinking about what I wrote the last time and been thinking about this friend thing. I mentioned that I don't care, but I guess I still do. Although my care for them has decreased a whole lot, they are still my friends. But now from onwards, They are friends but not best friends and it's not my problem to care so much anymore because I have put too much effort and love to them but they could not see. So I couldn't be bothered much anymore. Now, I only treasure those who really care and really the value of friendship.

  Give me a reason to love and trust again! I honestly did try and I really did my best. But it has always become the biggest disappointment in my life. Because it's something I lack in which is having really true friends. Maybe it's because of my lack of consideration or maybe it's just my attitude which drives them away from me. DId I change? or did they? Time flies and some said I tried to change but failed or pass I don't know. Some say I'm just like I used to be. But one thing is for sure that I am not the me I used to be.

   I have anger management problem and I always want everything to go my way! Or to put it that way, I want to know what is going on before I decide whether to participate or to help out in it and not just blindly follow the flow because I am born a leader and never just plain follow. That is me! I'm no Superwoman nor am I Ironwoman. I just like to lead because it's in me and when I let go and let somebody do it, I would just like to know some details of it. Is that wrong? Or am I wrong and confused? Being a woman and a leader somehow pushes people away and pushes guys away, is that why I am still single or I just fall for the wrong people? It's a question I do not know the answer to and it has been bugging me a lot lately.

  I know someone will tell me they will love you for you but to what extent? Someone always say that if the person love  you for your appearance then that person doesn't love you. But if my appearance make people reject me how are they going to get to know the true me? And for some the true me isn't as acceptable. I am willing to work on a relationship and I am willing to work on a friendship, but will there be this opportunity for me tale again? I made people who were dearest to me slip away twice because of  my attitude back when I was in high school. Then I college, I slipped away because I didn't dare to voice out my opinion for it is no return if I have said anything.

  Throughout my entire 20 years, I've spent 5 years or more lecturing people to do this and the way to put things, but have I really put in effort to do what I say? Have I been a hypocrite? I pray for understanding or someone to actually confront me with all the answer. But I don't really expect someone to come forth. Or actually expect to understand. Because no one has the same experience. Every experience may have similar characteristics but all experience are different in every way to the greatest detail. So no one actually knows how the person really feels or how is it like to be that person unless you are in that person's shoes.

So from now on, every opportunity that God gives me, I take it on and I will go head to head with the challenges set for me with God's grace and help. Opportunity only comes once and I'm never letting it pass me without a fight!

'Friends' it seems..

Many times I thought it was of my own imagination or maybe it's because of me being too sensitive about some things. But I guess I am right about the fact that my friends aren't friends after all.. It isn't because of the reason for not being invited for something once or twice. It's the the things they do and say behind your backs despite you  not knowing the whole story but the fact they  did is unforgiveable. I admit, maybe I'm kind of jealous since they had so much fun without me there but, on the other hand, I may not be the one at loss because true friendship is not about having fun but it is about having that moment to share together. If being friends is about popularity and only having fun, then it's kind of pre-school idea of having friends.

If a person keeps giving and giving, one day that person will just get tired because the person will have nothing left to give as everything has been given out and nothing is coming back.Friendship is the same, when somebody keeps giving their trust, their love and their effort but all they get is shit, or all you could get is their cold shoulders, that person will give up and apparently, I just did.

Someone made me realize that, some people tend to only care about those who do not usually turn up and usually 'fong fei kei'. And people like me who always turn up no matter what because we really care about this friendship tends to be taken for granted that we would be there any time and day.

I hate the feeling of being left out! I know I may be busy at times but, can you at least notify me that there is such event even if I can't go? Can you actually try to actually think how I would feel if I turn on my facebook and see you people here and here doing this and that. It is an awesome surprised because that's one of the worst day of my life. Cause my 'best' friends when on a trip without me even knowing plus there is this idiot there with them! Even and idiot but the fact that I didn't even know this event exist. But I eventually knew they they ASSUMED I wasn't free. I admit, I am busy on that date, but did you try to ask for another day? Did you try asking? and did it even cross your mind that I exist as a friend not just a human being which is on your damn facebook or ex-classmate list? Fine I let that one slip because I still care about this friendship. Now a second time, do I always have to hear this from someone else first then only from your mouth? Do I have to always be the one to always ask and ask and ask as if I am that desperate??? I am sick and tired of something so minor but has been the major pain in my butt since the end of secondary school.

我很在乎这一段友情但是我已经忍无可忍!!!!!!!!

It is already time to let go. When I say I let go, it is because I utterly am despaired and disappointed with this sort of friendship. I prayed and I asked, but maybe the answer is to stop caring and ignore this sort of bad influence and move on. Like my real true friend said, i have many more friends than they ever have, but the only reason why I never left is because I cared. Now that I don't care. I have more time elsewhere and on people who really do care. 

I haven't been myself for a long time. I will be more selfish from now on and say whatever you want and do whatever you like. I'm washing my hands off you people. Thank you shout out to someone who have comforted me and told me we are friends forever caused our parents are too. You made me smile when I was really down and angry. You have my word, I will treasure you unless you do otherwise.. Look forward to tomorrow and NEVER look back! Because looking back will just make me think of people who have betrayed my trust and loyalty!!! No matter what happens, I have God by my side. I know myself and I know there are things even i can't control but I am always guided and never alone..

The roller coaster ride

After the up and down the roller coaster. I finally got an answer. An answer which I'm not proud of but I'm glad and I thank God for giving me 3B's in the exam even though I feel a little disappointed bout myself for not doing better. But I hope it'll lead me to the right path. It's a journey worth while for all the experience and people I met.

Well, recently I've been quite busy as I once again stepped my foot back into my secondary school life. At first I thought it would be the same but actually it's totally different path and totally different feeling. Especially the work load and the amount of stress.  Despite spending 5 stressful yet enjoyable years, this past few weeks has been more dreadful than the last 5 years.Being a teacher is not all about entering the class, press buttons, talk crap and leave. It is actually based on experience which I don't have and really a lot of work. I took over one of the teacher's job as a class teacher. a form 3 science teacher, form 4 siviks teacher and a form 5 biology teacher. I also had to take up St John teacher advisor, red hse teacher advisor and not to mention prefect's teacher's assistant=discipline teacher.  It's tiring to try to keep up with students who are smarter than me and students who are hyper yet don't know how to channel their energy in a good way.
The stress is on when everyone expects a lot from me since I was tokoh pelajar and tokoh kokurikulum yet, I may not be as perfect as they think. I depend on God's strength to get through everyday and I'm praying for this 3 months to be over soon. However, sometimes I just have this crazy feeling of why don't I becoem a teacher. Made new friends with the practical teachers and also new guru ganti and an old friend Anisah. But I just want it to end because it's very energy draining job.

Basically I have nothing much to mention for my brain is already jammed up with a lot of lesson plan and events. So yea, see ya next tiem. <3 p="">

Journey to Life

Everyone takes different roads and embarks on their own journey towards the future and everyone has their own paths and difficulties. No one has the right to tell anyone whose is better or worst than the other because you are not in that person's shoe.

A journey called life is God's gift whether it is bad or good because everyone experiences bother hardships and wonder throughout their life sooner or later. Mine started when I was 7. Before that, I was spoiled, I don't know what life is about and what hardship is because I have a loving father and mother who spoils me like crazy. But since my dad fell sick, everything turned upside down. My life started early and till now I'm still struggling as I do not have that financial income to support my studies nor do I have the capability to be the brightest student to obtain scholarships. I love my family no doubt, but there are times when I give up on them because they don't understand me. But now I'm asking myself whether I know them? Is it true that they don't understand me? I'm wrong! It is because I don't understand them! It is because I thought I'm all grown up, but actually I still act like a child because I'm still spoiled. I still get almost everything I want because it is still affordable. Recently, I demanded to study abroad or to study the most expensive course and the hardest course to obtain scholarships. Aren't I just spoiled and demanding?

The struggle of studies was when I was young. I wasn't smart nor was I hardworking. I only get top 20 no matter how hard I tried because I wasn't pressured to study. Then when my dad passed on when i was 12 also the year I had UPSR, I snapped and came to realized I must study harder. Ask me why? I really didn't know. My trials? results are crap. My weakest subject was maths and science. I prayed and I prayed. God answered my prayers even at that time when I didn't who Christ was. I mourned over my dad's passing and cried.  I knew if I don't do well I won't do good. during the exams, I was given help and courage. I didn't know who it was until now. It's God who loves me no matter what. I scored so well I got 5A's. It's a miracle and a dream come true for me that time cause it was the toughest thing I've ever done then.

It marked the beginning of a whole new path when I started secondary school. I had so much confidence and pride. I didn't know how to tone down. I was arrogant and selfish. Everything I did was for me eventhough I said it was for this or that person. I hurt the person who loved me genuinely to keep me safe. It hurt me too but I know it hurt him more. I'm sorry doesn't work. Studies wasn't any of a problem with tuition and all. My extra curricular activities were spot on. I excelled in both St John's as a first aider and competitor. But I lack communication with seniors and I don't have the luxury to go out as often as the rest so I'm left out. But despite being left out, I worked hard to improve and aimed so high and so much. I wanted to be the best in everything and win everything. I've missed the window of opportunity to be close my friends and family during my adolescence. I've won every competition. I was one of  the non malays who had the highest post in all that I do.  God's grace had given  me chance to be in Internationals, National, State and Divisional activities in my St John involvements, Chess, Badminton, Tae Kwan Do, English, Science and all others. I only realize in form 5 that the most important thing is not certs and trophies but friends and loved ones. I had that time of correction to love my friends that I have and I tried patching up holes and gaps in my friendships and relationships. But it was too late for something I guess because the damage is done. There will always be a big hole whether or not I try as hard as I can. Again and again I was helped throughout my studies. I'm not intelligent but I was given help and  love. Friends and family and God's gift of wisdom and courage  which comes every time I need it most. When my secondary school life ended, I had a handful of wonderful best friends and a file of certificates which marks my experiences and achievements.

College and Universities~ It's not easy. I was interviewed for so many courses and I went exploring in so many colleges but none of it fits what I expected. Until the day, my childhood friend suddenly talked to me out of no where and told me to check out Methodist College Kuala Lumpur. I was like what college? I've never heard of it before? You sure it exists? Ironically when I reached MCKL, I had this feeling that I must study here and no where else. Indeed I did not make a wrong choice because of the experiences I had. The fact that God lead me there and gave me the opportunity no know Him. I was proud to be a daughter of God but until now, I don't know how to tell it to my mom as she still objects to it. I had a bunch of awesome 1103beta friends who have such open mind and such loving hearts who shares every drop of love and knowledge. They were my treasure and my gift. We struggled together. We loved together. Most of all we shared same hardships and same experience together where nobody else can experience. I may have fell so hard that I cried and humbled down. I realize sometimes we rely of God and not myself. It helped me and brought me up. I may have fell but I've learn to stand again with God and it is for my own good. I have been looked after and been lifted up. Opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. My seniors, my juniors, and my friends, my lecturers and the staff have been God's angels that have been there throughout my life. Even till now, I may not have the best result but I am still loved. I may still have high hopes to become a doctor, I just want to walked the path God leads me to. For now, I will stick to what I know and feel like doing because God will lead me through. I know that and I know that the day will come when my fate to university and life comes when God opens that door of fate for me..

I have fell for people who only loves me as a friend but I thought differently. I made choices and loved them in a wrong way causing me to hate them and lose a friend. I came to realize at the timed I needed them most. I've had so much hatred I loved wrongly. I was stupid and I know that God and studies comes first. When the time is right true love and true relationship will come but only God knows when. I should be me and love me and love everyone as a friend until that day comes. I should stop thinking things which are irrelevant and trying so hard to impress. Be me and be loved for me. Not searching and not trying maybe the hardest thing to do for me but I know time will come. I must have faith and hope for a better tomorrow.

The journey of my life is not to a halt yet and it has many more years and experience to come, but now enjoy and love life. Be the person who God wants me to be and love every soul that is in my life for I do not have a time machine to go back in time to love people who I missed and overlook. I may seem harsh on the outside and say things that are harsh. I may say things out of anger. I may do wrong things out of anger. But I still love you and I still love life. Crying and struggles and part of life's journey and I will overcome more of it in the future with God's help.

Live life, Love life for life is a gift and every opportunity only comes once... <3 p="">