Messed up...

I kinda felt pressure these few days.. Pressure to think what if I failed to do this?? What if what I do was going to make someone unhappy…?? What if I do that it would make someone one else think differently about me… I really don’t know what I should think about… If I think about you.. would be weird?? Cos u and I aren’t related in any way… I’m just a random friend… Would you be bothered if I’ve gone missing.. I don’t think so… 

But I’ve got more important people and stuff to think about… People who does care for me… when I go missing ad when I am feeling down…

My dear old buddies and my new pals… People who l spends hours a day with me.. Understand me.. trust me... love me(i think)... And know who I really am...  I love these people.. Spending a day with them worth more than anything i have with you... Cause being with you is just a fantasy I think about and it will never be true,, But with my friends.. Its all real and true,..Its all happening.. I appreciate those people being my friends... I will treasure them.. I hope soon I will be able to drop and lock out all the feelings I have which I have no idea when it came to me...

Love Lust Frustration and heartbreak....

There is this thing about LOVE that makes me LOST. I can’t properly think and rationalize….. 

I dunno what is the right thing anymore when it comes to love.. I can’t seem to think properly.. I can’t manage my thoughts at all.. I fall hard when I really fall for a person.. Whenever I get rejected.. I really hurts a lot.. Sometimes… there is this thought of committing suicide.. I know its stupid.. but its just a thought.. I don’t think I’ll be that stupid to do so.. Now again a dilemma… should I or should I not? Whether or not I wanna try to get hurt again? No matter how many times I try, No matter how I change… It still ends up the same… Do I not deserve love from someone or God is still waiting for the right time before he sends me the right person?  Getting hurt and stabbed for almost 5 times in the heart really pains me.. and it caused my heart to be broken so many times.. that now I don’t know how to love anymore.. I don’t know what love is anymore.. I’m really scared..  My heart already turned into stone… Who would be the one to melt it? Who would be the one who would hold the key to unlock my long sealed heart?? 3 years now.. My last relationship that killed my confidence in love.. I chose to believe in you.. But you told me I wasn't good enough for you.. I was too immature.. Is it me or you???  Everyone I know who had loved or who had been loved also has the same conclusion that puppy love never last and it always hurts the most… I remember crying almost every night.. Crying silently.. nobody could hear me.. NOBODY!! not even my best friend.. It is my own little secret.. Even till today... Stress... I cry on my own shoulder... I cry myself.. I have no shoulder to cry on.. I don't know who to voice it out to... I don't have the slightest clue where to go...  I just don't what to do anymore... I can't go on like this anymore.. It hurts.. A LOT... I have been waiting..I will be still be waiting till that day... Lets see when will that day come... 

I wonder sometimes.. if it could just end my life in the next second... I won't have the guts to do it.. why think? crazy me... I'm going mad.. insane i guess... Things I try so hard to do or try to achieve will never be mine unless I let go.. but I have a very heavy heard to let it go.. Can anyone tell me how? No matter how people tend to tell me to let go.. but its not that easy... When I let go.. would I regret it next time?? Would think back and say I shouldn't have let go.. I am LOST...

A less fortunate

I thought i have a bad way to start my life... But after watching this video this morning in chapel.. I realized that there are a lot of people out there who less fortunate... I feeel so ashamed... I have to work hard.. and stop complaining...
To achieve my goal.. I will strive harder to be the best..... God will do the rest if we give our best...



"Nella Fantasia"

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto,
Li tutti vivono in pace e in onestà.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano,
Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima.

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo chiaro,
Li anche la notte è meno oscura.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano.

Nella fantasia esiste un vento caldo,
Che soffia sulle città, come amico.
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere,
Come le nuvole che volano,
Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima.

[English translation:]

In my fantasy I see a just world
Where everyone lives in peace and honesty
I dream of a place to live that is always free
Like a cloud that floats
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul

In my fantasy I see a bright world
Where each night there is less darkness
I dream of souls that are always free
Like the cloud that floats

In my fantasy exists a warm wind
That breathes into the city, like a friend
I dream of souls that are always free
Like the cloud that floats

Its so touching.. I literally cried.. after reading the english lyrics.. my heart really dropped....

The worse Day of my life....

It all began with Chui Peng's birthday... they told me is from 6.30 till 9++. Just right after college i rushed home... Chit fei fetched me from home and went ee khin's hse then we went to sin nee's home. waited almost an hour... around 8 ony we left sin nee's home... walao.. we were speeding like mad.. almost 120km/h to serdang just to eat steamboat.. went park.. eat eat eat.. hungry like ma.d that time ed 9++.. Almost finish.. ngam ngam cut cake den.. kantoi.. my mom called and the usual. bla bla bla bla. so we speed home again.. this time ee khin drove chit fei's car... 130km/h almost reached 140.. fast like crazy... But not as fast as me.. ^^ lol... reached home around 11++.. I know you are worried.. but don't channel to anger can or not?? It makes me all stressed and upset lo... Haizzz....  wednesday ok liao lo.. then thursday.. water  splashing by seniors.. adui... We all got wet like mad.. OMG... played till around 5 plus then changed to dry clothes.. went in to the hall for leo club meeting.... cold like crazy... i kinda wet my pre u card as well... really bad day... left college around 6 lo... luckily serene was going home too so she gave me a ride to leisure mall where it is easier to take bus.. But unexpectedly... no bus.. waited for almost 45 minutes.. OMG... reach suntex around 7.25... walao.. rush for piano class which is at 7..30... then i reached home around 8.30.. OMG.... tired like mad.. do homework i think till around 11.30pm..  woke up at 4 to continue doing homework...  then... all hell broke lose... brandon fetched me to coll . when we almost reached connaught then only i realized i din bring my name tag... aikss.. too late.. cannot turn back liao... nvm.. continue journey... then.... i realize no name tag.... so no locker key..... no locker key.. no books...  then i thought to myself.. cheh... today lab mah.. nvm lo... then i realized.. no key=no locker=no lab coat... shit.. i message serene but no reply aiks.. so next contact was ivan.. hahaa... so i kinda messaged him oops.. luckily he say ok.. wa.. what a relieve... ^^ got lab coat... then chem no books.. nvm lo... then finish coll... CF... fun!!! balik from CF.. GG.... suan liao la... scold scold scold... walao.. i no feelings de meh?? keep scolding me like i am a piece of rock that she can  let her anger on..really i just wanna ask myself.. when will my heart turn to stone?? My heart has shattered before.. been hurt.. been stoned before.. but it melted and it wasn't cold anymore. now.. it might just turn to stone.. i really dun wanna get hurt anymore.. i might jus jump off a roof top.. its kinda depressing to be me... Although what i suffer is not as bad compared to other who suffer more but its a bit too much for me.... ><.... 

Who I am