Love Lust Frustration and heartbreak....

There is this thing about LOVE that makes me LOST. I can’t properly think and rationalize….. 

I dunno what is the right thing anymore when it comes to love.. I can’t seem to think properly.. I can’t manage my thoughts at all.. I fall hard when I really fall for a person.. Whenever I get rejected.. I really hurts a lot.. Sometimes… there is this thought of committing suicide.. I know its stupid.. but its just a thought.. I don’t think I’ll be that stupid to do so.. Now again a dilemma… should I or should I not? Whether or not I wanna try to get hurt again? No matter how many times I try, No matter how I change… It still ends up the same… Do I not deserve love from someone or God is still waiting for the right time before he sends me the right person?  Getting hurt and stabbed for almost 5 times in the heart really pains me.. and it caused my heart to be broken so many times.. that now I don’t know how to love anymore.. I don’t know what love is anymore.. I’m really scared..  My heart already turned into stone… Who would be the one to melt it? Who would be the one who would hold the key to unlock my long sealed heart?? 3 years now.. My last relationship that killed my confidence in love.. I chose to believe in you.. But you told me I wasn't good enough for you.. I was too immature.. Is it me or you???  Everyone I know who had loved or who had been loved also has the same conclusion that puppy love never last and it always hurts the most… I remember crying almost every night.. Crying silently.. nobody could hear me.. NOBODY!! not even my best friend.. It is my own little secret.. Even till today... Stress... I cry on my own shoulder... I cry myself.. I have no shoulder to cry on.. I don't know who to voice it out to... I don't have the slightest clue where to go...  I just don't what to do anymore... I can't go on like this anymore.. It hurts.. A LOT... I have been waiting..I will be still be waiting till that day... Lets see when will that day come... 

I wonder sometimes.. if it could just end my life in the next second... I won't have the guts to do it.. why think? crazy me... I'm going mad.. insane i guess... Things I try so hard to do or try to achieve will never be mine unless I let go.. but I have a very heavy heard to let it go.. Can anyone tell me how? No matter how people tend to tell me to let go.. but its not that easy... When I let go.. would I regret it next time?? Would think back and say I shouldn't have let go.. I am LOST...