Dear heart,
I’m sorry… I’m sorry for letting you to be hurt once again due to my lack control and naïve-ness I fall for someone who is just nice to me and close and dear to me. But the person doesn’t feel the same way I did. I thought he did but actually he doesn’t. I’m just another friend and that clearly shows how stupid and naïve I am… I clearly am not ready for any challenges.. I’m obviously too childish to believe in fairy tale… I’m crazy enough to think it would work and I’m to let my heart open up again…. >< The fact I just let my heart open up and to break down the walls.
A year ago, I promised myself that I would harden myself up and to just stopped letting myself get hurt over and over again… I’m sorry I broke my promise towards you my dear fragile heart… I’ve been such a bad person for letting you get hurt.. I’m sorry for letting the wall that protects you to be torn down. I’m sorry for letting go of the shield which protects you from harm. I’m sorry for being a selfish person who just feel so uneasy and so unprotected when I’m alone, I just let you go so easily. I realize I’m too naïve and I’m easily monopolized.. ><
I’m sorry again… But I promise you and I will keep this promise… I will wait for you to be ready before I open up again… I’m going to ensure you remain enclosed in all the insulators and shields I can ever find.. I will never again let you go unprotected. I will go to the ends of Earth to protect you. I will never again be the easy prey… the easy target… or the stupid naïve person Anymore…! I really am scared.. I’m scared I couldn’t keep that promise… But I will try my best.! I have too soft a heart and I get manipulated easily.. I will harden up.. I will…
Forever and always.. the word I love you! Its easy to say.. not easy to keep.. I miss you.. Its just another phrase if you don’t mean it… I really am worried about you.. do something about it instead of just saying it… I care about you.. show it to me… I would love to hug you and comfort u.. be there for me.. and really do hug me.. Criteria which fails every time… Only words… but never action… but yet… I still fall for it everytime… why?? Is that why love is blind or does it again show I’m stupid and naïve? I really doubt myself… but it’s the part where I get emotional and I cry non-stop even while typing this.. T_T
I’m going to be selfish not because I am.. But I just don’t want to get hurt no more… I just am sick of being toyed around… Being treated as though I’m the easy target cause I look and am vulnerable. I going to prevent myself to be hurt.. Yet I want him to be happy? I’m not a person who fakes caring and loving… but I’ll always be there for him whenever he needs me.. But I’m just too scared to oopen up anymore. Cause I felt like I’m annoying him also.. So I’ll take a step back…. A big step for all to be free and for all to have time to think…. Whether or not you are mine? God will decide… I will let go of everything and everyone I ever loved or liked.. If I’m meant to be with you… you will be mine… and I will be yours… but for now… I am alone….
Yours truly..
Pauline…
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