I was never there,,,,,,,

There are times when people interact and become close... I was not there...
Then there are times when people have something in common that they share it with each other...  I was not there....
Then there are also times that people hang with each other and spend quality time with each other to strengthen their bond.... I was not there also...
Come to think of it.. I was never there.... Or anywhere when all that happy times happened.. Cause I was too engrossed with my activities of being the perfect  student.. A way of getting higher chances of getting a scholarship which now proves that my efforts were crap cos they are only against one point of view.. What race are you what colour is your skin... They were never after the fact that your good and your the best... That sucks.. Because of that I ever had the time spend to have quality time and bonding... That's also why I'm losing it.. Somehow somewhere I should have stopped but I kept going only till the end of form 5 i realised there are more than cocuriculum marks and god academic.. Which is friendship... Is it too late?? Yes.. Whe I see people around me more close than ever.... i felt like I am being left out due to my incompetence of being the best... What is being the best wen there is no one to share it with?? What is the good of being at home when all I do is sulk and sob when people are out there having fun??? Why do I have to lead such life when others lead such a good life?? Why do I have to be this way?? I had thoughts of dying and running away.. Is that going to change anything.. A wise person would say no and a stupid ass would tell me why not go ahead and try.... Though it has been hard to try new things and also trying to keep old things.. Its the same way with friends.. New friends come everytime.. But the hard part is not of making friends, the art is cherishing them every moment.. And the doubt of whether they cherish me or not is also the problem.. Though I've been friends with so many people and some for such  long time.. I still don't know if they are true to me.. or its just an act they put on in front of me.. I don't have that feeling of being there and having that close relationship with anyone before...... maybe its just me.. Its my problem i guess....