It has been such a long time that I haven't wrote in here... SO many things happened in this short period that I didn't write..... There are many WANTS and DON'T WANTS that happened to me... Some things that I want I might not get depending on my result.... I really wanna become a doctor but the cost and the things I have to give up for it is abundant... Piloting.. Biggest joke to everyone... I'm too short.... FINE!!!! Forensic scientist.. I can afford in Malaysia.. But how is it that I'm gonna get a good future here in this dark country... Even getting a college or uni for it is hard.... I wanna do it overseas... With bright futures and less 'dark forces' to deal with... I think if I don't get any of these.. I might just take Hotel and management instead... easy and fast... good future if I'm willing to work and improve.... Well... Its just not me I guess in that line although it might just be in my blood....
Next... giving up my time at home although it might just be something useful to do when I'm free now but also getting scolded by my mom everytime I go back to train them.... I actually thought that if I really put my heart in and care more.. I could be of use and can be your manager not just a trainer... But.. I guess not... Its not appropriate cause I don't have that much experience and my name is not that popular or big enough for you guys to use... So it just sucks... Though i really wanna help... But my heart has been broken once.. I don't wanna repeat it anymore... I don't wanna be there just for the sake of being there... It is best that I start looking for a job and forget about everything.... I'm not being cold hearted.. I just don't wanna be heart broken.. Its not that I have a stone heart either.. I just wanna stop myself from getting hurt or disappointed repeatedly by the same person(s) . ...
I admit I'm not good in making close relationship with anyone.. Its like being an out cast... Somehow I'm not good enough in giving out love and happiness... Its just that I don't have any to give because I don't wanna get hurt.. Everytime I do give my heart out.. It gets broken.. So I might as well not give... I don't wanna cry anymore... And I learn how to keep my tears... Though every time I get disappointed I feel like crying.. I just give a smile and pretend nothing happened and just get to the next topic.. Everytime I say 'nevermind', I actually MIND and i really get upset and I just shed my tears in my heart or when I wanna go to bed... Nobody knows how I feel cause nobody understand me.. people only see me as a strong person which I'm not.. I'm only seen strong on the outside shell... Its because I wanna protect my inner weak self.... Well... SOme think they do understand... But they actually they really don't... I don't wanna be seen weak because I dun wan friends or relationship that happen to be because of self pity... Thats all my stupidity and my feelings...
No comments:
Post a Comment