Haven't really thought of a great future lately since A levels left a mark on me. Basically I had a dream of studying abroad with scholarship when I had my 10 A's in SPM but that dream was broken into a million pieces when A levels results came out and I was devastated. Since 6 months ago, all I had in mind was to only be able to get a place in local public or private universities. But till now, I only had an offer for a twinning program in Melaka-Manipal Medical University for RM348 000 tuition fees and 2400 USD for accomodations which I cannot afford. So i turned down that offer eventhough I already have friends there which are Praba, Siong Keat and Samuel. Now, I'm still waiting for an offer from AIMST University situated in Kedah which is my one and only last hope now since USM turned me down.
I lost sight of what I wanted to be since A levels, but now I aim to be a doctor but still I have a small hope and a small window of light left. I really do hope I'm able to make it there by starting with an offer. The past weeks, I've received many news where my friends are going abroad to further their studies, be it in UK, Ireland, Indonesia or Australia. I really am happy for down, but deep down inside, I feel really sad. Sad because it would be years before I would be able to see them again but also sad because I'm not one of those who are going overseas. How wonderful it would be if I could be in their shoes. Well, first thing is I can't even afford it even if I have an offer from an overseas university.
Medicine overseas I think is an impossible idea but forensics science on the other hand is a possible idea. I found a university I think is suitable as it is situated right in front of Central Station of Sydney which I could take a train from my aunt's house. A wonderful idea but, I don't think I could afford a 4 year course including an Honours degree for about 90-100 000 AUD. Then my aunt came up with an idea that she would lend me money to study over there. At first thought, it is a wonderful thing to say and to be able to do it is a different thing because it's my dream to study abroad but it's not my passion which is medicine. Still Forensics Science is also another good field where I can spend my life doing. Still thinking about it and will be going to the counsellors at IDP to check it out.
Now my dilemma is, would I miss my life back here in Malaysia and most of all my family? I used to think that it is alright to leave them here and go study and I won't miss them at all. But due to recent events where I got really sick and down with tonsillitis, I woke up in the middle of the night and gave it a real deep thought. Who would look after me when I am sick? No more cozy bed, no more people washing and cooking for me. No more hugs, no more kisses. No mummy to do things for me when I don't feel like doing it. My things readily available for me here whenever I need it, but in hostel, I won't have much things to go around with. But to venture out and to be more independent than I already am, to be in a new environment and adapt it is my stronghold but could I?
My friends and my dearest friend, I would leave them behind. or would they leave me behind? Will miss them so much with a few in exception where I would miss them most! The luxury where I can meet up, chat, call, and sms them here, but if I study outstation of overseas, that luxury would be gone. Despite telling myself that if our friendship is true, it would last forever but I am really afraid that that friendship might fade due to the distance we have. There is also this problem with long term and distant relationship!Even if I do have someone I have feeling for I wouldn't think of telling that person because it is a matter of time where the relationship can end if it's a one sided thing. Unless that person truly loves me and I love him then it would last long. But is it possible? If it happens, it happens, but I wouldn't think too far now. All I want to do is to spend my last few months with my precious friends and family before I start studying. Something which is simple enough but not easy to do because everyone is busy with their own life and also they need to spend time with their own family.
This year is especially import and and different, henceforth I will try to make the best out of everything I do. Spend as much time as I can with family and friends. Take the opportunity to bond with them in anyway possible and not think anymore negative thoughts. What is going to happen in the future will happen because it is fate and God will decide what happens but, what is going to happen now and in the future is because of what I choose to do now. Think carefully and live life to the fullest!
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