1) CF Camp
Since the beginning of this semester I had a rough time staying back almost everyday. Not only doing things for cf camp but other stuff as well but I didn't realize I didn't do it for God but for my own glory. In the midst of it, I tried to involve myself with love stories and stupid rumours all due plain naive-ness and listening to my heart and not God. I'm in charge of registration so basically I just have to prepare registration forms, give it out. collect them with cash of at east rm160 per person. So nothing was coming the way I planned it as everything has it's own issues whether it is the person handling it or the person helping to do it. So I took back the trust which I gave them and did it myself. So that I wouldn't look bad if it doesn't get done on time. Again with the fact I didn't pray enough and depend on God. Then it came to the point where it was my breaking point with the stress level high as Qualifying Test was there the week before camp and everything is NOT ready yet. I panicked. I flunked my tests. I failed my job and I felt I failed God as he gave me such an important task to do. Then we all sat and pray and guess what. God helped us through and all preparations was done. So we thought. Day 1, bus was late, hot, tired, angry,stressed, no co-operation and most of all not enough prayers. I blew up and I actually scolded or let go of my anger in front of people. It was bad and shameful. I really didn't care at that moment because everything was not in place already. We were late. our schedules were messed up. I realized my mistakes that night. Make up for it and Pray. All I did that night was Pray. I cried. I shed tears. I regretted. But I can't just stay right where I am. I prayed for camp. All of s did. Thank God for his presence everyone was safe and sound and the camp went smooth eventhough there were hiccups with schedule . Day 2 received such wonderful blessing from God for the nice morning and nice weather for our games. Everything went smoothly. But there were spiritual hiccups and there issues. I cried again. Praying for a better last day. praying for God's presence to be known and to be there on our Sunday. Cried to bed while praying. Day 3 our last day. I was expected to be lashing out by some really horrible people who call themselves my friend but thank God, for controlling my temper and taking me to the mode of relax and ignore but try to be strict kind of thing. So I overheard someone say, at least she didn't lash out but it was a surprise for me that she didn't. Well what can I say, maybe that's the way God planned and help me grow.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will
A happy ending to a not so happy story but at least I learned a lot. And the food at El Sanctuary is awesome. Thank you Uncle Vincent and Aunty Ann and family for your hospitality and hard work. ^^ But at least I get to know a lot more people and some people may look more gentle and nicer than they actually do look. hehee.
2) Area CHarity Dinner
Basically it does not give me much challenge as i'm not involved in it physically. There are some problems due to the fact that I'm not close to some people as the rest does and also because I'm not the kind of person that likes to butter people's shoe or be an entertainment for others. It may be true friendship or it may not. I may seem like they're acting nice and all. But I can't judge people anymore. and I don't want to. It's because I'm not worthy judge. But basically it's how I do not want to be involved as much as I used to love involving in it. It may seem I'm jealous or it may also seem that I may not be the apple of the head's eye but I really am not interested in it because it does not serve the purpose of me joining it like how i used to thought of it's purpose. It's blood sucking and time consuming thing which do not benefit the community but suck the money out of them. I want to do a humanitarian job and not communication and investment. It as always that I don't go and help until last minute it's because I'm not free plus it's so far away and they hold meetings at night. How do u aspect me to come? Yes, I'm cruel. Yes, I'm lazy. Say all you want. But I have a life too. I may seem to be very free and easy going person but I have my difficulties too. Don't you understand? God thought me how to say NO for once in my life I had the courage to tell them 'no' and 'i can't do it'. And God helped me see the light that I am not fit for this job although I loved it so much once upon a time. It may seem like I'm being a whiny little brat but how it's how I view it. My point of view. Maybe they see it otherwise. I really don't know but I'm planning to fade out slowly and have my work done else where. Place where I am needed as a first aider and as volunteer! not blood sucking machine! Though I smiled though I have met friends. I cherished the old times but I dread the present time. I may have been smiling but it's not true smile like I used to.
\My last 'happy' memory.
God has been very merciful to me throughout my college life this semester. I had a lot of hard times which I had to endeavour throughout this time. Basically it's simple stuff like assignments, lecture, exams and test. But it also challenges me spiritually. To put trust in God and let him be the light of my life. Struggling with friendship which are not truly friends. Which we may call it as strangers I met and started talking to but then developed a certain level of relationship and bond but we're not truly friends because we do not share that intimate friendship of being in the same class or have the same lunch break and am not able to 'click' with your group of friends. Friend may be a simple word but the meaning behind it is simple but made complicated. Friendship is all about communication, understanding and getting to know one another and started putting trust. But sometimes trust is too strong of a word and burden. So some people decides to betray trusts to lift that burden. I thought I am your friend but I no longer am.. I had the feeling of abandonment because I cannot 'click' with them eventhough I have known them for almost a year or more now. I'm letting go of this bonding. If you want to be my friend you're always welcomed to be. I wont be the one who keeps trying. Because I'm tired. I learned to let go. Letting go doesn't mean losing but tolerating defeat and win over the fact that I've grown up. It is a good choice because I have gained knowledge and also true friends over the past few months.
MY dear sweet friends. I love you and you are dear to me. I'm good to you not because I want something in return but I just want you to know that I will be your shoulder to lean on when you need one. But will u lend me yours when I am down?
I close my post with a prayer that dear heavenly father I pray that you would bless my friends, my family, my associates and everyone around me that they may accept the trust I give them and trust me in return because they are my treasure and I pray for their lovely smiles and wonderful hearts that they may continue to shine and be the most wonderful people I've ever known. Amen.
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